Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
🤣✨#caturday
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
greetings!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Pretty much! 😂👀
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.