Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
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A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Google Pay be like:
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills