“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
fr
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Perfect.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman