Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion