Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
shut up and take my money
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video