Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…