dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
so i’m at the stock market right
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that