[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
The three genders.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
me when I see my crush