In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
what kind of cook setting is this??
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are