Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law