Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU