If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Whisper out to librarians!
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
PARKOUR
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
c’mon!
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
that’s really how it is
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE