I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
You Might Also Like
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”