[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
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[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I identify as an antique shop.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*