*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.