My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!