If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”