“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
You Might Also Like
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Growing out my freckles.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭