im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!