Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
You Might Also Like
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face: