Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
You Might Also Like
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.