cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
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I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.