doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”