Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!