I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Just so funny
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.