Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.