[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
uh oh
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.