My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
You Might Also Like
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
They also CAN sing✌️
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
this is funnier than any friends episode
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”