The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.