My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
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Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Whoa 😂
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Terribly Tuesday.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Chicken bread
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?