Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard