If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Morning.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Thursday
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.