[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.