*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Plant care tips
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Dune (2021)
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁