Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what