Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger