Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My dog ate my work from home.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS