Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
this article brought to you by lions
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.