Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
how long have you had this for?