You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I just love that new Pope smell.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
sugar glider wrangler
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I hope it’s French Onion!
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.