BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
You Might Also Like
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity