I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Traveler’s camo
Every time my phone rings
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.