My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.