What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
it’s a van. how do they not know this
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.