My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
They got a point!
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.