Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
What about a To-Don’t List?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.