I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am