Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Who needs an Air Fryer?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”