Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Breaking news:
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.