Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
🤣🤣
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
stand with me against insufficient seating
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition